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Chapter 211 by Funatic Funatic

Wait. Wait what?

What would you do without us?

“Ehm, girls,” John carefully said after, with quivering fingers, placing his shoes on the floor. Everyone waited for him to continue as he searched for the correct, and very careful words. “Whaddya wanna say, John?” Rave, ever the impatient, asked.

“So, basically, and I feel really weird for saying this, but,” John stammered, his life had not prepared him for this particular moment, “one of you is pregnant. Just got an achievement.” A moment of silence, then Thana burst out laughing.

“Bwahahaha, that is hilarious,” she laughed. “What are you laughing about?” Lydia asked. “The fact that you fucking idiots can’t keep your wombs in check,” Thana giggled, “ah, well, not everyone is infertile, I guess.”

“Thana, ya idiot,” Rave said and pointed at the blood mage, “It’s 100% ya.” “Nah, 50 people tried to get me pregnant, never worked,” Thana waved off. “Well, John’s been fucking and cumming inside me for months,” Rave told her, “and my prevention hasn’t failed.” “Same here,” Lydia said, “by elimination, it has to be you.”

“Nah, that’s impossible,” Thana giggled, “see, if I was pregnant, my mana flow would be…” The blood mage fell silent as she actually checked. “Okay, what the fuck?” she said and her ridicule became surprise, she looked over to John and it shifted over to panic an expression she saw mirrored on John’s face. ‘Thana is the last person in the room that should be a mother, at the very least in her current state of mental health’ he thought.

“Either Herman fixed you up or it has to do with me being a tad more powerful than the average Nazi,” John guessed, trying to push the current situation out of his brain by thinking about magic-science stuff.

“Yeah, well, fuck no,” Thana whimpered, “I am not even ready to a human, the fuck am I going to be a mother, people, this is not good, this is not good at all, where is the next toilet?!” “What are ya going to do, throw up?” Rave asked. “Nope, I am going full on abortion,” Thana stated, “kill it before I lay eggs, just going to flush it out, now quick before it turns out my hyper-metabolism gives me hyper-pregnancy!”

Lydia pointed her at the right direction and the blood mage ran off. John did not feel comfortable knowing that there was an abortion happening a few doors over, off his own off-spring nonetheless, but this whole situation was highly uncomfortable in the first place.

“So that eliminates my last doubts whether or not she is human,” Lydia said and headed into the living room. “What else was she going to be?” John asked. “A god,” the princess simply stated, “a tortured, malformed, god. However, the chances of a god becoming pregnant the first time it has sex is next to null. Not to mention that Romulus wouldn’t have let a god participate in the tournament in the first place. However, with Thana being the weird case that she is, I wanted to have some further assurance.”

She sat down on a bigger version of the familiar table and, as if on que, Lydia placed an exact twin of the tea-set in front of Lydia. “Well, that was a shocker,” John said as he and Rave sat down on the comfortable couch. Although, this one was actually different in that it wasn’t just one couch, but a big one, a smaller one and two arm-chairs.

Shocker was an understatement. For a moment there his whole world was threatened to collapse over the span of 9 to 10 months. There wasn’t a way he could logically explain away any of this. Great thing for Thana that she wasn’t actually infertile, probably, but he would have preferred to find out in a less scary way.

“Ya can say that out loud, would have been really mad if she took your first kid too,” Rave said and passively cuddled her boyfriend. “What, you want one?” John asked, the question had never been raised before. “In a few years, not now,” Rave clarified, “Like, five or something, I am twenty, no reason to hurry along, I can be a kickass mom later in life.”

“You are definitely going to be a kickass mom,” John agreed and earned himself a kiss on the cheek for that. The known soft warmth of her glossy lips made the remaining tension fall of. He rested his head on hers, which lay on his shoulder.

“Well, I am fucking not going to be,” Thana announced as she slammed the northern door of the living room shut. She didn’t break it, which was good, but it still caused Lydia to wrinkle her forehead as the slamming noise reverberated through the whole building. “Good news, I killed it without making a mess, turns out I can just convert the ovum into mana too, so no danger of some fucking immortal monster-child growing up in the gutter. No idea if my blood would get inherited and all of that shit.”

The blood mage threw herself into one of the chairs and rubbed her face with both hands. “Holy shit, so, note to self: am fertile now,” she mumbled. “Isn’t that good news?” Aclysia asked; “Bearing master’s child sounds like wonderful news.” “To you it is, you mindless automaton,” Thana spat out and made disappointed face, “but I am absolutely not ready to be within 100 metres of kids, less even to have some myself.”

“I am not mindless,” Aclysia said once Thana had ended her sentence, “retract that statement at once.” “Or fucking what?” Thana laughed, “you are going to threaten me with even less dessert? I am not in the mood for you bullshit threats.” “I – am – not – mindless,” Aclysia spelled out, “I serve John out of my own volition, representing it as everything else undermines my free will. Apologize.” “And what if I don’t want to?” Thana growled; “Learn to take a fucking joke.” “My sapience is not a topic for jokes,” Aclysia firmly stated, “Apologize.” “Fuck off.”

“Ladies,” John intervened, the air was getting dangerously thick, “I am sure Thana didn’t mean it that way. Just take a deep breath Thana, calm down, and…” “No,” the blood mage crossed her arms and, after trying to punch a random point in the air, laughed, “your artificial maid not being able to take a beating to her pride is nothing I have to calm down over.”

“Thana, ya really should…” “Shut the fuck up, gum crotch, I don’t care what your cat-brain can produce. Learn to be anything more useful than my punching back before you annoy me again,” Thana interrupted Rave before she could even state anything. John got up and walked over to Thana, “We are going for outside for a bit,” he decided and gestured her to stand up.

A smile was still plastered over her face, but it was empty and her eyes were cold. “Fucking fine,” she agreed after glancing over to the rest of the angry crowd. John didn’t even bother with getting his shoes, instead they simply went out the back.

The cold air on his skin was still warmer than the silence that followed once they were alone. “The hell do you think you are doing?” John’s tone was sharper than he intended it to be. Was that why he needed Charisma? To not lose control over things like his tone, despite what he felt? Because he wanted to ask in earnest, instead he just voiced, what sounded like, an accusation.

“What I AM doing?” Thana asked in a high-pitch tone. “You motherfuckers can’t take a bit of an insult. Fuck off with your morale busy-bodying.” “I am sorry if that came out wrong,” John said, pinching the bridge of his nose, too late did he realize that that gesture made these words looks really impatient.

“I am not a child you ass,” the blood mage growled, “evident by me almost having yours just a minute ago.” “Thana, just…” “Just shut the fuck up,” Thana repeated her desire, “I am not here to stand tribunal before you, you fuckers need me, not the other way around.”

And that’s where John made the big mistake of almost laughing. He repressed that urge to ask ‘What would you do without us?’ but not all could be held back. It was just a slightly ridiculing blow of air, but the golden ring in Thana’s eyes that formed in response left no doubt about what she thought of that.

“WHAT?! You think I am useless without you? That I am helpless?! Bitch, without you holding me back, I could take whatever I want. Who could stop me? The top 2% people in the Abyss? Gods? Just a matter of time before I evolve past all of those asshole, I don’t need you to survive and if you are telling me that…are you being for fucking real right now?”

The blood mage stopped and crossed her arms, lowering her eyes towards the ground. She looked at the Mana Blade that was stabbed into her lower abdomen. There was no pleasure involved in John’s decision to do that, but he had no intention of letting Thana rant on until she did anything stupid. Best try to calm her down the extremely unhealthy thing that had worked prior: Pain.

“I can try to speak your language, you socially inept potato,” John made his best attempt at an insult as the Mana Blade vanished. That got him a snarky laugh, which was progress, at the very least. The wound had already healed, at that point.

“We both know that you are just completely bad at being a human and, whenever you have one of your panic attacks, you manage to seriously screw everything up even worse. We are willing to help you, but we have a limit to our patience as well. If you don’t want to deal with that and just be a murdering psychopath,” John pointed at the distant edge of the island, “just jump, break your promise to Lydia, make sure nobody ever trusts you again and bury the best chance you have at being a human. Nobody expects you to be perfect, but if you insult both Aclysia and my girlfriend, and refuse to apologize when you go to far, I have no patience to entertain liking you. Friendship is a two-way road, Thana.”

The circle had slowed down to rotating dots again. Thana looked at her feet and took a deep breath. “I kind of wanted that kid,” she suddenly said. “What?” That came completely out of the left field.

“You heard me, you gaping anus,” Thana looked decisively away from him and at the sky; “I just felt, ‘hey, maybe, that’s a way to repay the guy, that you spent the last days of your life and the first days of your new life parasitically abusing’, or something like that. Then I saw that expression on your face when you realized that you would be a dad, then I saw the panic once you realized that it was me and I just, I felt so…helpless…so thoroughly disappointed in somebody that I thought I could trust. Then I panicked because I wondered why I would even want that, I am CLEARLY not fucking ready to raise a kid, for fucks sake I need people to look after me myself. Then something in my brain went ‘fuck everything, if I can’t get what I want, neither can anyone else’. I hate kids, I think, why do I even want some. I don’t understand myself, feelings are bullshit.”

John quietly listened to all of that and, unsure what else to do, stepped closer. “If you dare to fucking hug me now I will rip out your spine and reinsert it through your ass,” Thana warned him. “Not doing that then,” John firmly agreed; “Well, I could punch you instead,” he joked.

Thana nodded in earnest, “Yeah, that sounds about right.” “I don’t actually…” John tried to evade actually doing it but then sighed, “you are seriously wrong in the head.” “Yup,” Thana agreed, “and I doubt it will ever get much fucking better…will you still keep your promise to stick by me?” “As long as you learn to apologize from time to time,” John countered and reluctantly pulled his fist back.

He punched her square in the face. She stood there, unbothered. His fist was in pain. “Are you for fucking real?” Thana laughed when he pulled his hand back; “That’s the best you can do?!” “Yup,” John answered and shook his hand, first it got numbed, now it crashed into a person that might as well be a walking steel plate.

“And I even hardened my skin on reflex, wow, sorry, didn’t think you were that weak,” Thana ridiculed him. “You can do that?” John asked, “do you have nanomachines, son?” “No, I have fucking crystallisable blood?” Thana gestured wildly, a tone of utter confusion, claws appearing on her hands for a moment before vanishing into her bloodstream again.

“That one was a reference…ah whatever,” John decided; “So, I will keep you being baby-crazy a secret. Okay…from Lydia and Rave at least, the rest are in my thoughts and already know by now.” “Yeah…” Thana kicked a pebble with a downtrodden expression, “was a dumb idea in the first place. No idea what rode me there.” John gulped down the ‘I’ joke. Instead, he tried his hand at a reassuring smile, “Hey, how about this: if you get into a state where you can be a normal member of society without my help, we can give this whole child thing another thought.”

“You serious?” Thana looked conflicted about that, happy but also heavily annoyed, “Why would you even say that, I just told you that it was a fucking awful idea.” “But you still want it, don’t you?” John poked, “And, while I am not even remotely prepared to be a dad now, I will be one day. If I can have a Harem, might as well go all the way through and have beautiful kids with all of you.”

“So, you are telling me, that my primary motivation for being not mind-murdering, ass-whooping, cunt-crashing insane,” she stopped to stomp at a random point at the ground and then grinded her foot on the ground like she was extinguishing a cigarette. “Interrupting asshole,” she growled before continuing; “should be to be a child-carrying bitch in your girls-club?”

“Only if you want that,” John clarified. “I would be more than happy to just have you in my ‘girls-club’. I like you, despite you being an insufferable bitch at times, and in time I may even come to love you. It all depends on how much effort you are willing to give it.”

“You ass,” Thana gestured him to lower his head, “It’s not nice to tell a lady that loves you that you don’t love her yet.” “Good that I am not talking to a lady but a bloody angel,” John pointed out as he followed her request.

Extremely carefully she framed his face between her fingers. Her touch was soft, delicate. Controlled. “You know, you are neither particularly handsome, nor ugly, and that weird mixture between selfishness and niceness will be the end of you,” she said. “I survived you,” John pointed out, “anything after that is child’s play.”

“And you say that there is a chance that, one day, you won’t look utterly panicked when you hear that I am pregnant with your kid?” Thana asked with a snicker. “Oh, I will still panic,” John assured her, “but the reason won’t be because it’s you, but because it would be me.”

“And you say that you will continue to be patient with dumbass me?” Thana asked. “As long as you keep learning and keep giving in when you are wrong, we will probably forgive you. I cannot speak for anyone but myself though.”

“And you say that one day you might love me?” Thana asked. John smirked, “In a way I just started to, you bundle of insane power, madness and insecurity.”

He was lost in her violet eyes. That fascinating, faceted structure, the golden rings, the humanity buried underneath mountains of shattered glass. These eyes got closer. Her lips laid on his, a kiss without tongue or any sexual meaning.

“I know what I would do without you,” Thana whispered, “but I would be lost without YOU. Fucking confusing.” “Welcome to the world of humans, were we all get along, or try to, and nobody has an idea how or why,” John picked her up.

“What the hell are you doing?!” Thana screeched when he put her over his shoulder. “Bringing the bad girl back inside so she can apologize to everyone,” John announced, slapped her on the ass and opened the door. Sure, his strength was stupendously low for the level of the Abyss he was at now, but it was still superhuman.

“This is unfair! If I struggle I may break your fucking neck!” Thana complained. John just slapped her hindquarters a second time and that was the end of that discussion. He arrived back in the living room, put Thana into the chair she had been in and looked at her expectantly.

She made a sour expression and mumbled something inaudible. “Excuse me,” Aclysia, who of course knew what had happened outside, asked with an understanding smile, “I shouldn’t have been so pushy.” “Urgh, you are too fucking NICE,” Thana made a disgusted noise. “AHHHH FEELINGS SUUUCK!!!” she screamed, ruffling her hair as she shifted violently in her seat; “You win, I am sorry, just stab me in the shoulder next time I say something out of line. Don’t know. Change of topic, please, before my brain explodes from stupid niceness. I have really bad ideas right now, that involve murdering AT LEAST half of you, just to escape this pisspool of cringe. Give me something else to think about. NOW!”

“How about we tour the house?” John suggested.

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