Sarah's Arrest

Sarah Hyland was sitting in the back of a New Jersey State Police car trying to explain for the umpteenth time that she had not done anything that was worth arresting her for.

However, the cops refused to respond to her pleas and insisted on taking her to the nearest jail, where she spent the night in a cell alongside a few female drunks, junkies, strippers and working girls.

The next morning, they allowed her to consult with her lawyer, a harried-looking blonde lady named Christine Sullivan, who told Sarah that she had been arrested for assaulting a security guard.

"Oh, that charge is bogus," said Sarah. "That creep was this close to assaulting my friend Ariel and I had every right to stop him from doing so."

"This friend Ariel?" asked Christine. "Would this be the same Ariel as your co-worker Ariel Winter?"

"Exactly," said Sara. "She'll back up my story."

"I wish for your sake that she could," said Christine, "but, unfortunately, her current whereabouts are unknown. She was not arrested at the club and the last time she was seen was when she came into the club with you."

"But that's impossible," said Sarah. "She's naked. And a celebrity. That's not a combination you see every day -- even in New Jersey. So surely somebody has seen her since then."

"Nevertheless, without her testimony, it's just your word against the guard's," said Christine.

"No, it isn't," said Sarah. "I recorded that whole encounter on my camera phone. Just go into my car, retrieve my phone, and you can see for yourself what happened with that guard."

"Unfortunately, there's no way I can retrieve your phone from your car," said Christine. "According to the New Jersey State Police, your car vanished from the club parking lot just ten or fifteen minutes after you were arrested."

"You mean somebody stole my car?" asked Sarah.

"Yes," said Christine.

"Well, what am I going to do now?" asked Sarah. "I'm innocent."

"Well, I could try to argue for a reduced sentence, but the chances are you might have to serve some time," said Christine. "Maybe if you're lucky, it'll just be a short term of house arrest."

"House arrest?" asked Sarah. "How can I complete my work on Modern Family if I'm under house arrest?"

"Well, there is another alternative," said Christine. "But the chances are you'll like it even less than house arrest."

"What's it likely to be?" asked Sarah. "The same sentence of involuntary nudity that Ariel got?"

For a moment, Christine refused to say anything, but the expression on her face told Sarah everything she needed to know.

At which point, Sarah could not help but respond with the one phrase that came to mind:

"You gotta be fucking kidding me!"